Well nursing school has officially kept me from spending much time to update. However, I turned 20 a couple of weeks ago. It still feels wierd that I’m no longer a teen. In many ways becoming an actual adult is scaring the crap out of me.

Speaking of other things, I’ve actually attended church without feeling pressured to or out of obligation! Yes, I’ve become friends with a non denominational young adult gathering on campus. At first I was hesistant to go knowing my experience and background with evangelical Christianity. However, I’ve really enjoyed the people so I’ve attended even though I’m no longer an evangelical. I want to hang around and love people, not specific doctrines. I haven’t fully disclosed what I believe about the gospel yet but I’ll worry about that when the time comes. One of the hallmarks of immaturity that I struggle with is fear to have different or controversial opinions.

Life has been pretty busy. I have three exams this week and I’ve been fortunate enough to have a job on campus during the weekends. I’m also seeing an old friend from high school this Thursday!

Well, I’ve only been in back in school for a couple of days but things are going pretty well. I had a new friend introduce me to clubbing for the first time. lol It was an interesting experience especially for someone who grew up in a small rural town.

Since my views of God have changed obviously my view of the culture war between liberal and conservative values has changed as well. As those who read this blog already know, I was very much a Jerry Falwell culture warrior type growing up.

Something that seems to be fairly common in those who leave evangelical Christianity is to become a warrior for the liberal side. This happened to me even though I never fully embraced traditional left wing politics, I certainly did dabble in them in my first year going away to school. However, as I’ve given myself more time to reflect on my own views I realize that I don’t really fit into the progressive left wing movement either. I’ve become more open minded when it comes to issues like accepting gays, people of other religions etc. but I can’t label myself a liberal progressive either. There’s nothing wrong with identifying as that but I’ve explored that viewpoint and realize that it’s really not for me.

I realize now that there are viewpoints on both sides of the “culture war” that I agree with strongly and others that I disagree with strongly. I can honestly hang out with my very conservative Christian homeschooled friend and my gay rights activist friend from high school. I know there are going to be things that people are going to agree to disagree but isn’t that part of life? Wouldn’t it be boring if everyone believed the “right” things and voted the “right” way?

Posts like this make me feel sad http://hugoschwyzer.net/2008/10/13/fighting-the-quiet-civil-war-and-fighting-it-civilly-some-reflections-on-striving-to-be-a-kind-culture-warrior/ I don’t want to be a culture warrior anymore regardless of whether it’s a left wing or right wing one. People keep talking about reconciling differences and building bridges but war never does that whether it’s literal or not.

But in order to have dialogue there must be a common ground. That’s why I love the gospel so much. What Jesus did for us over 2000 years ago is the common ground whether people know it or not. I think back to that verse in Isaiah about people beating their plowshares into the ground. That needs to happen on a spiritual level as well as literal. Yes, I get frustrated at the political views of people sometimes but I now realize that those people are fully equal to me in the eyes of God regardless of what they believe. I wonder how much impact the gospel would have on our political discourses. A lot of issues would probably be non issues and while strong disagreements would still occur we wouldn’t automatically write off the other side as not right with God, evil, backwards, or intolerant. A spiritual rights movement is definitely needed in order to end the culture wars. http://www.gospelrevolution.com/spiritual_rights.htm We can talk about common ground all we want but as long as we believe God is on one particular side and against the other it simply can’t be done.

I know I basically deserted this page. I’ve been busy this summer. I just got moved back into my dorm after a nice vacation in the mountains in North Carolina and Tennessee. My classes start this Thursday and I’m ready to get back on schedule. It’s ridiculously late but I’m not ready to go to bed yet so I’m finally updating this page.

Believe it or not I’m actually able to run three miles without walking. Yes, my time sucks horribly but I’m getting into shape. I’m seriously considering joining the Air Force or the Navy once I get my nursing degree but that’s another topic.

I’m sorry I don’t have much to talk about right now. I’ll have more time to clear my thoughts when I get some rest. However, God has been good to me despite my doubts. My goal for this school year besides getting good enough grades to get into the clinical part of nursing school is to learn to fully trust in Him and not my own actions and beliefs.

First of all, for all those living in the US, I hope ya’ll had a Happy Memorial weekend even though I’m a week late. Regardless of one’s political views of foreign policy, I think we can all agree to be thankful for those who have sacrificed and continue to sacrifice for freedom.

As many are probably aware, a well known Kansas doctor (Dr. Tiller) who was famous for performing late term abortions was shot on his way to church this past Sunday. This tragedy has already fanned the flames on both sides of the abortion debate.

Just about every comment I’ve read from conservative Christians who consider themselves prolife believe that his murder was tragic and unjustified. I’ve also read quite a few comments on the fate of Dr. Tiller’s soul after his death. Before going any further, I want to add a disclaimer that I did NOT approve of the work he did but that topic is for another discussion.

If this had happened four years ago, I would have surely agreed that this man would burn in hell forever for his work. Many people have also questioned how could this man be an usher at a church yet perform the type of abortion procedures that he did. How could a man like this possibly have any hope of redemption?

I’ve developed a much different outlook since being exposed to the beautiful reality that God’s redemption for us does not depend on our efforts. Am I saying there are no consenquences to our actions on earth? No, as the Apostle Paul explained “Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial”. When Dr. Tiller left this earth, he left a legacy as all of us will when our time comes, good or bad. Yet despite the fact that I utterly destested his abortion practice, I have full hope that he is at eternal peace with God right now and already knows far more about the grace of God that I do at this moment. I know many people will reply” But he was a baby killer who never repented!” Yes, but haven’t we all broken God’s laws to some extent? Remember, I’m a murderer according to Jesus’ definition of the law even though I’ve never had an abortion or killed anyone. Jesus said that to be angry with someone was as guilty as murder. If God is going to punish Dr. Tiller for his actions that He will most surely punish me as well.

I realize I’ve stepped into a very emotional subject. The purpose of this post was not to debate about the morality of abortion. I also realize that my new views about the fate of someone’s souls are quite radical and maybe even offensive. However, where does one draw the line for how God will accept someone? I enjoy reading a lot of writings from many of the Founding Fathers of this country. Yet they also held views that black people were only 3/5s of a person and women were property of their husbands. I love a lot of Martin Luther’s writings and believe he did a lot of great work in reforming the church yet he held very bigoting ideas about Jews that may have inspired Hitler centuries later. The point is not to make light of bad actions but to point out that noone is flawless by our actions, even people we may admire. I want to try and be a good person but I also now understand that it won’t make me more right with God. If my actions are going to be the defining point of my relationship, I’m in deep trouble.

Regardless of one’s views of abortion, I would like to ask that you keep the Tiller family in your prayers.

Yes I realize I haven’t updated in nearly a month but I should be able to update more often now that I’m finished with school for the spring semester. I finished my last exam last week and I’m learning to adjust being back home again. I’m glad to see my family again but home just doesn’t feel the same once you move out.

Well, I recieved my final grades and I’m very pleased with all of them. I’ve been under a lot of pressure this semester being in a new major and knowing that there is a strict admission for the clinical portion of the nursing program that I’ll be applying to in November. I’m also happy that I’ve met my New Year’s goal of losing weight as I’ve lost 27 lbs since December!

This semester I’ve really learned to reach inside myself and do things I thought I couldn’t do. I’ve listened to many of Mike Williams’ teachings and he’s talked about how he has a huge fear of public speaking that he had to overcome. Throughout my college career I had focused mostly on humanities and social sciences. When I decided to switch to nursing, I knew it would mean focusing on the natural sciences and taking statistics. I remember boldly proclaiming that I would never go near another chemistry class ever again after taking chemistry in high school so I was definitely not happy to find that not only would I have to take a chemistry class for my new major but it included a two hour lab and recitation every Tuesday.

However, God showed me that I shouldn’t judge things by appearance. To my surprise, that class ended up being my favorite class this semster. I even managed to enjoy lab and recitation thanks to having an awesome TA (teaching assistant). I’ve also become much more content with where I am in my life right now. A couple of months ago I was really upset about graduating two years later than originally planned but now I’m very thankful that things turned out the way they did. In the past I was so worried trying to cram things in I never took the time to just enjoy the college experience. I also feel that I’m nowhere near ready to be out in the workforce yet and am grateful for having extra time to grow and learn. I wasn’t able to do as much socially due to my busy schedule this semester but I hope to be able to have more of a social life fall semester like going to college football games and going out on the weekends.

Again, I will be updating more regularly now that I’m not in school with my continuing evolving thoughts of God, politics, life etc. To be honest sometimes I’m not sure about God but I know that it’s His faith in me that counts and that’s a stable foundation I can always rely on no matter how my views on various things may change.

I’m sorry I haven’t updated in forever. Classes have been really stressful and my finals are two weeks from today.

For those who read the Boldgrace blog (www.boldgrace.com) know that one of the prominent writers Cliff Hazelbaker had been diagnosed with brain cancer. Today, I checked the blog to find out that he had passed away. Even though I never got the chance to meet him in person I definitely feel a loss and I know a great many who were touched by his life or writings were too.

I first came across the bold grace around late 2007. I was just getting out of a very unhealthy romantic relationship and my views of God and life were pretty messed up even though I wasn’t a stauch fundamentalist Christian anymore. I can’t exactly explain it but I could defnitely see God’s spirit through Cliff’s writings. So many people talk about grace but this man lived it. His life circumstances weren’t perfect, but he knew that God saw him as perfect and the circumstances of this world did not affect anyone’s relationship with God whatsoever. How I wish I could have half the hope and faith this man had. Hopefully someday I will.

Cliff, I’m sorry I never got to meet you in person. Thank you for being willing to take critisism and hostility from some in the religious community to share your faith and hope with others. Thank you for being willing to answer the questions I had and just being a friend to anyone. I know you know way more about the presence of God now that you’re fully experiencing it than any of us still here on this earth. It’ll probably be a long time but I look forward to meeting you in heaven someday.

Jennifer (aka Kiara)

Sorry for not updating for awhile but I’ve busy with spring break and two exams last week. Yeah I know it’s sad I spent my spring break studying for my microbiology and chemistry exams that were waiting for me when I returned. Even though I haven’t recieved my chemistry grade, I know I did not do well. I was very disappointed in myself and I had studied hard. Ugh! Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I changed my major, but I’ll be relieved when this semster is over. 17 credit hours including two labs is burning me out. I have a week to study for two more exams next Wed and two papers to finish.

On some better notes I’ve decided to start cooking more of my meals instead of eating on campus. The food is quite a rip off and it’s terrible. Luckily the hall I live on has a kitchen so over spring break I learned how to do simple cooking activites like boiling pasta. I know it’s sad that I’m nearly 20 years old and I’m just beginning to cook for myself but now is better than never. There is a Food Lion about a mile from here so I’m able to do grocery shopping easily.

I’m also preparing for the fall semester. I’ve decided not to take any summer classes as I really just need a break from the classroom especially after this semester. I’ve been applying for summer jobs and I also have housing for next semster. I’ll be living in the same dorm but a different floor which I’m glad. This place is fairly cheap, has a great location, and I’ve gotten along with most of the other girls.

Advisement is also coming up next week. I’ve been looking at my requirements and it looks like the fall semster will be much easier. I really need to keep my GPA up since I’m applying for the upper division of the nursing school in December.

I can’t believe it’s already March. It’s nice to finally see the sun out again. I’m so sick of winter weather. I have a statistics exam tomorrow and will begin spring break next week. I know it’s quite early but I’m relieved to have a break as this has been my busiest semester since I began college. I’ll probably be spending my time catching up on studying and seeing people I haven’t talked to in awhile.

Abraham’s latest post articulated a mindset that I’ve heard all my life. My elders from my parents, pastors, and teachers always told us kids how bad the world was getting. I remember being told how this country would probably collapse by the time I entered adulthood if the rapture hadn’t occured by then. Really encouraging stuff for a teenager who hadn’t really begun her life yet to hear.

Even though I’m a nursing major now I still have a love for history. Because of this, it really bothers me when so many people act like the United States was this perfect godly nation until the 1960s. Anyone who’s paid attention in a history class should know better. People talk about how God desperately needs to judge this nation because of homosexuality, feminism, other religions, and liberals. Yet somehow God seemed perfectly okay with including slavery in a “Christian” constitution, child labor, segregation, legally sactioned spousal abuse, genocide and forced removal of Native Americans from their land, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I love this country and wouldn’t want to live anywhere else but to pretend that we were a perfect country always on the right path until the various cultural revolutions of the 1960s is simply naive and false. Do you think God was approving of any of that stuff that I listed above that went on in this country? A quote I found on another blog put it quite well ,” If God was going to judge this country, America would have been burnt to a crisp a long time ago.”

God’s law was not meant to be used selectively. Jesus pointed out that even being angry was equvialent to murder. The point is if we use God’s law to condemn others we’ll find ourselves condemned as well. Heck the law calls me unclean just for having a menstrual cycle. This was to show that our own efforts could never get anyone to earn favor with God. I have never commited actual murder yet by Jesus’ definition I’m a serial killer.

I’m not using this to excuse bad or unhealthy behavior. There is nothing wrong with trying to have morals and be responsible. However, I know from experience that using that to gain God’s favor doesn’t work. To be honest, do any of us really want to get what we do deserve? Reading Jesus’ teaching for what they really are make me so thankful that I won’t get what I deserve. If God is going to judge any of us, we’re all going to be burnt to a crisp. If people really want to change this country for the better, it’s time to stop looking at a revision of history that never existed and let everyone know that God loves them unconditionally and gave His life for them, no strings attached.

Wow! I haven’t updated in nearly a month! I’m sorry but I’ve had exams literally every week this month including a Psychology exam this Wed and a paper tomorrow so I’ve been pretty busy.

Quite a bit has happened for me this past month. Because of my changing majors this semester I found out last week I won’t be able to graduate until 2012. At first I was quite upset by this. Originally I had taken dual enrollment courses in high school to graduate a year early. I could be graduating next year if I had stayed in pre-law. In addition, my academic state scholarship only lasts for four years after high school graduation so I will need some alternative assistance my senior year.

Yet as I look at the situation now I’m not as upset about it. For once I’ll stop trying to cram in so many classes to try to graduate ahead. Instead of summer school I’ll try to get a job this summer to get some life outside of school. I’m only 19 anyway, I don’t need and now I’m realizing I don’t even want a fancy degree by 21. Going into nursing has changed my path in life quite a bit already but I do not regret it. I will probably never have a J.D or M.D or some other fancy title behind my name. Yet I’m actually quite happy with my life right now. Yes, I get impatient quite a bit but I honestly think I need the extra time in school to grow up some. I’ve learned so much about myself just by moving out of my parents’ house last fall and I need to learn more before becoming a full fledged adult.

It excites and scares me how much I have changed since graduating high school two years ago. I visited my parents and church during Valentine’s weekend since my church was having a Valentine’s banquet. I enjoyed seeing people I haven’t seen in awhile yet going back to my home town reminds me how I’ve changed.

Yet throughout all these changes I’ve been reminded of my identity in God. Over the past years I’ve tried to find my indentity in my grades, political views, career ambitions, church, and a romantic relationship. Even though I’ve been a Christian since I was eight, I didn’t begin to get saved until I was almost 19 last summer. My identity is not in any of those things I listed above. I don’t always feel this way but I know that my identity as a child of God is secure even when I don’t feel like it is. God’s attitude towards me will never change regardless of who I am or what I do. Sometimes I have a hard time accepting this especially since I realize that I can never live up to the ideal “Christian life”. Yet understanding this will help me with whatever happens in life.

First of all I want to wish everyone a Happy Martin Luther King Day! I find it especially appropriate that it comes one day before a historic inauguration. Even though MLK’s dream isn’t fully realized, I believe our country is on the right path towards recognizing his dream.

Since the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade is coming up, the prolife movement here in South Carolina had their state march for life. The march begins right in front of the student center on my campus and the state capitol is just a few blocks away. I decided to get up and go to the march and to my surprise a girl on my floor who I’m beginning to develop a friendship with also attended. However, attending the march made me realize how I really don’t fit in the prolife movement anymore.

As a nursing student I recognize the reality of life in the womb before birth and have a difficult time with Obama’s position on signing the Freedom of Choice Act and have even written to my senators and representative to oppose its passage. Yet at the march I get this strong vibe that to be prolife you must be a conservative Christian. I even saw a few anti Catholic signs and people passing tracts explaining why Catholics aren’t “real Christians”. What the heck does that have to do with being prolife?

Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I’ve felt alienated in the prolife movement. When I moved to the Columbia campus last fall, I attended a Students for Life meeting. However, I got very put off by this guy that kept bashing liberals and the anti-contraception attitude. Don’t get me wrong, I believe teaching abstinence is important but ignorance about sexuality isn’t going to achieve that. The final straw was the liberal bashing guy was reading a book by our Senator Demint. Even though our Senator is prolife, in the book and during his election campaign for the Senate back in 2004, he had said that unwed mothers shouldn’t be allowed to teach in public schools. So we tell girls not to have an abortion and then punish them for doing the right thing? Then we have the nerve to complain about “welfare queens”. To top it off the guy starting talking about how there’s nothing inherently wrong with war. Yes, he talked about this at a “prolife” club. No, I’m not a pacifist, but going to war just b/c we can is utterly stupid and wrong.

This may be quite offensive to some people but it’s been on my mind for quite some time now. Many conservative Christians who are prolife talk about how sacred life is and that every human life matters to God. While I believe that to be true, evangelical Christian theology does not support that. Many people like to talk about how precious the unborn babies in the pretty pictures are yet according to evangelical doctrine 80-90% of those same babies will burn in hell forever is they reach a certain age and haven’t “made Jesus Lord”. I remember seeing a sign with 4 stages of fetal development with the words “beautiful”, “wonderful” and “incredible” Yet in Sunday School I remember a teacher telling us that newborns are essentially little sinners. So I guess human life is no longer beautiful and sacred once it slips out the mother’s birth canal?

Maybe I’ve gone completely nuts but I believe the church’s legalistic, divisive, and exclusive attitudes and doctrines are the reason why it has been unable to stop abortion. God may love people while they’re in the womb but once you’re out you’re deserve to go to hell simply for being born. We feel distraught that a baby is thrown away because it is unwanted, inconvienent, disabled, etc yet God is going to throw away the vast majority of the human race and torture them in a way that would make partial birth abortion very humane. How can the church expect others to value human life when its theology talks about the utter worthlessness of human life?

Martin Luther King Jr. wanted a society that treated everyone as equal in the eyes of God. Sadly, he never lived to see that reality but we can continue his legacy. America has come a long way in dealing with racial prejudice, but we still have a long way to go in dealing with racism, homophobia, sexism, and spirtual racism. If you’re unaware of the concept of spiritual racism, I’d encourage you to read this wonderful article. http://www.gospelrevolution.com/spiritual_rights.htm That is my dream for the future.