INTRODUCTION

Yes, that is quite a strange title for this page but it’s quite relevant as to why I created this blog. Statistics show that about 88% of children who grew up in Southern Baptist homes leave the church after they finish high school.  Just four years ago I never would have thought I would have become a statistic yet nearly three years ago I became on of the large numbers of young people who have left their childhood faith.

THE EARLY YEARS

My name is Jen, yet I call myself Kiara on the Internet. I’m a typical 19 year college student who grew up in the heart of the Bible belt in a very small town in South Carolina. I grew up in a small Southern Baptist church that my grandmother had started and accepted Christ at age eight and went to private Christian schools from kindergarden to graduation.

Unfortunately, while I grew up in a loving home, the legalistic nature of my family’s religion cast a shadow over my childhood. I remember being a child and recieving warnings that Jesus knew every bad thing I did and the devil would get me. Even after accepting Christ at age eight, I would get scared that I wasn’t “really saved” when I would hear stories about being left behind and the rapture. I remember in fifth grade crying for my mom in the middle of the night after a school devotional talking about Jesus coming back and looking on His list and telling a kid, “Your name is not on here.”

DIVING INTO FUNDAMENTALISM

Since my church was quite small and did not have many young people, I got involved with a classmate’s youth group around 7th grade. I remember that stupid crush I had on my youth pastor and my conversion into fundmentalist Christianity. Even though I prayed the “sinners’ prayer” quite a bit to be sure I was “really saved” I was still quite a brat at times as most 11/12 year olds are. lol Anyway I went a summer retreat with the youth group at the theme park Carrowinds. I had a great time but after hearing a Christian speaker talk about how saying you believe in Jesus was not enough and the demons believed too, I responded to an alter call and “rededicated” myself to the Lord. At last my doubts and fears would subside, right?

Even though I had been raised with the typical evangelical mindset of morals from the Religious Right my entire life, after my rededication at age 12, I fully immersed myself into that value system. I intended the church of my youth group in the mornings and then my parents’ church in the afternoon. The typical “hitlists” that I needed to fight were the Democrats, liberals, other religions, and of course gay people. I believed any unrepenting gay person would go to hell and women who had abortions deserved to die in backalley abortions if it became illegal again. I remember talking to my parents about how I would go to Jerry Falwell’s law school when I grew up and use the legal system to fight all those “evil people”.

CRACKS IN THE ICE

I felt quite secure in my fundamentalism. I thought I knew all the answers to life and was quite smug. Yet a system built on such a foundation will eventually fall flat on its face. I guess the seed that led to its fall began when I took a world history class in 10th grade. Even though the class was at a private Christian school, I began to realize that there were other cultures besides my white Christian small town and they weren’t necessarily evil. However, the first “crack” came when my dad began to listen to Jimmy Swaggart. You see, the church where I attended youth group was a big of fan of Rick Warren’s teachings and Jimmy Swaggart began denouncing Warren’s teachings as heresy. I got scared and eventually cut ties with that church after three years.

ITS MELTING

Losing faith in my church was quite difficult for me. In addition, I was also transferring to a new school. For the first time in what I can remember, I felt depressed for reasons I couldn’t exactly figure out. I began to doubt my future goal of becoming a Religious Right lawyer. I started my new school and began to get involved in the church activities there. It was just like my old school only larger. Yet suddently those same youth meetings that I once loved gave me a sense of dread and sadness after leaving. The same Christian doctrines I enjoyed listening to so much brought me to despair.

MEETING THE “ENEMY”

Meeting “Kate” at my new school was the hammer that cracked my faith into pieces. Kate was a Pakistani Muslim. Since 9/11, Muslims had been constantly demonized as terrorists. However, meeting Kate shattered all my presumptions and what the church had told me about Muslims. She was very smart, ambitious, and kind. She even came to our school’s chapel services without complaint. However, the first Wednesday back from New Year’s changed that and became a turning point in my faith forever.

JANUARY 2006: RIP FUNDAMENTALISM

This chapel service seemed to go as normal. After singing our school’s anthem, a speaker came to the front of the gym. However, this guy started bashing Muslims saying how they beat their wives (yet saying Christian women should follow their husbands), and how they should be pitied, and they would burn in hell forever unless they converted. Obviously Kate did not take this well at all and never attended another chapel for the rest of our high school years. Hearing this guys’ sermon forced me to confront the reality about what I really believed. Basically I and all my Christian friends believed the same doctrine as this guy, yet we got upset when he actually had the guts to preach it.

The conflict between my doctrine and my heart was great. I began questioning everything I had ever learned. I tried to talk to my parents about this and they got very concerned. I still painfully remembering my dad tell me I was going to hell if I questioned the Bible. As much as it hurt, I knew that any religion that would make a father tell his daughter she would forever burn and he would not remember her in heaven had to have a few pieces of the puzzle missing. I did not know what to do, but I knew that my faith as I had known it was officially killed.

MOVING FORWARD INTO FREEDOM

Although I no longer identify with the fundamentalist faith I grew up with, I have not given up trying to have a relationship with God. I’ve been through a lot of good and bad over the past two and a half years. The types of people I have been taught to judge and condemn, I have learned to embrace. This fall I left home for the first time to finish college. Transitioning from a small Christian town to a large college campus has been an interesting journey. For the first time in my life I realize I have very few if any answers to life’s questions. I no longer have the security of the black and white fundamentalist world yet I enjoy the new freedom I’ve found outside of it.